August 13, 2009

For immediate release:

Confluence, PA. Immersion Research is once again proud to announce that it is not being bought by Confluence Holdings, despite the latest flurries of rumors insisting otherwise. This would be the 10th time in 12 years that IR has not been bought by Confluence. “We’re proud of our tradition of not being bought by Confluence”, says IR’s John Weld,  ”and we hope that this latest non-purchase will show that we committed to being completely inconsequential to a 70 million dollar company”

“Who?” reported Sue Rechner, CEO of Confluence Holdings inc, when asked about the non-aquisition. “IR? Who? Who is this?”

Over the years, the teaming millions on paddling chat rooms have kept this medusa of a rumor alive, with possible reasons ranging from the sublime to the absurd.  ”The fact that IR is based in Confluence PA  would obviously make them an attractive acquisition- regardless of the price or Confluence’s current portfolio of brands” says a boatertalk poster who goes by the monicker ‘phatboofer69′. Mountainbuzz’s ‘SickStoutyBrownClaw’ had a different take on the situation. “IR won’t hook me up, so what you have with that crew is a bunch of cheap-ass,  wanna-be core paddlers. Of course they sold out to the Man.”

IR’s CFO Kara Weld was at first caught off-guard by the news. “We sold out to the Man?” exclaimed Weld, “Oh thank heavenly sweet baby Jesus. Hold my calls forever- I’m out of this poop-hole….Wait a second. Is that Confluence deal again?”

IR’s service and sales guru Roger Loughney is totally energized by the non-acquisition. “Not being bought by Confluence for 13 straight years is something that creates enormous synergy within our brand” says Loughney. “With IR remaining isolated in rural Appalachia- essentially like Rick, Holly, Will and Cha-Ka in Land of the Lost- we will be able to focus on dealer-driven services while empowering our supply chain to fortify our enterprise network. It’s a win-win”.